God, here is the unraveled edge of my heart that I wish I could cut off and throw away like a snag on a sweater:
I doubt you.
I have seen your beauty. I have tasted your goodness. You have erased the fears of death that used to wake me terrified.
But even with a saving faith in what You did, I often doubt what you will do.
When my loneliness aches for sisterhood I doubt that you have friendship for me.
When real life laughs at my five-year plan I doubt that your plans for me are good.
When there is more month at the end of the money, I wonder how you will provide.
When I look around at the tossing sea of my schedule, I feel like I will sink.
Even when I know you are good, I doubt your goodness for me.
But my doubt doesn’t scare you, discourage you or diminish you. You don’t back away in horror or disgust. Even when I am faithless, you remain the Faithful One. Your throne is a seat of mercy, running over with grace for my wave-tossed heart.
And even if faith without seeing carries a blessing, you bless even us Thomases, stretching out your scarred hands and inviting us to test and probe and finally be convinced that you are the one who crushed the grave from within.
“If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.”
-2 Timothy 2:13
This post is day #2 in a month-long challenge to post daily for the entire month of October. To check out other bloggers doing the same thing, visit www.write31days.com.
Photo credit: Martinak15, (edits mine)